There was once a little blue plastic box
It was first seen floating down a stream
Just gently bobbing up and down
Like one does in a sea of dreams.
-
It floated here and jostled there
As it hit a few pebbles and stones
Until it got hit and stuck on a fallen log
From inside came sad and painful moans.
-
Out the box came a furry hand
And clawed its way to the brim
Seen was a tiny little monkey
Hairy, tiny, scared, slim.
-
It looked underfed, and it seemed lost
It attempted to look about
It saw the source of the sudden stop
Onto the log it crawled out.
-
It looked around and strolled about
The new location it arrived at
It slowly crawled to the riverbank
And there it just simply sat.
-
The monkey suddenly saw a monster
A gigantic and heavy red beast
The monkey screeched in fear
The monster didn’t bother in the least.
-
It went ahead and sped away
As the car on the road didn’t bother to see
The survivor of a terrible forest fire
That killed its parents tragically.
-
The poor monkey sat there hungry
It tried to look for something to eat
It saw a flashy blue plastic cover
It rushed towards it on all four feet.
-
It picked up the piece of plastic
And thrust its head into the open cover.
It loved the smell and clung to the packet
Like one would cling to their lover.
-
It began going back to its plastic box home
Its view was blocked by the packet
The crinkling of the bright blue cover
Masked another car’s loud racket.
-
The monkey failed to hear or see
The huge fast-approaching car
The car driver too failed to see the monkey
He thought the cover was being blown afar.
-
The poor monkey had suffered enough
The valiant survivor of a forest fire
The victim of human colonization
The sufferer of unnecessary desire.
-
The monkey was brutally run over
By the car driver, who was unaware
Of the fact that an innocent little monkey
Was walking on the road right there.
-
As the car felt a sudden jiggle
It pressed the brakes and screeched to a halt
The driver looked at the bloody mass
And immediately felt guilty for his fault.
-
He buried the baby monkey near the banks
And went on to the place he was to go.
He constantly thought of his big mistake
Wishing he had not done so.
-
He wanted to repent for his mistake.
So, he decided to let people know
The effects of burning up the forests
Before it turns into a mere shadow.
-
He spoke before a public camera,
Intending to reach out to everyone.
Being an environmentalist himself,
He felt it had to be done.
-
“Listen to my voice, people, hear me out,
The world must be changed.
The money-hungry people don’t think enough,
But they’re cunning and deranged.
-
“They use the earth, they never repay,
They must be ignored at all cost.
It’s inevitable that they’re here to stay.
But, indeed, all is never lost.
-
“Ignore the companies and raise your voice
Against the evil cattle-ranchers.
Stop the support of Brazilian beef
Since they clear forests in want of pastures.
-
“The government must also be blamed
Since they legalized this foul deed.
Shout at them until they understand
To give only how much the farmers need.
-
“Stick to Mother Nature, listen to her,
Her lungs are constantly burning.
Never ignore her steady pleas,
There’s always something worth learning.
-
“The fire drove out a baby monkey
And I unintentionally ran over it.
So please, let me repent for my mistake
I’m simply trying to do my bit.
-
“Please let my efforts not be in vain
Help the forests, let them grow back.
We’ve already lost so much in less time
Let’s bring her back on track.
-
“I hope this message reaches out to people
And they start to save the Amazonian trees
Please do not ignore me, but the companies
I request you, hear out my pleas.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I really enjoyed the overall tone of the piece. You're able to encapsulate huge problems with simple imagery and innocent actions. I especially liked the lines "The victim of human colonization The sufferer of unnecessary desire." Which flowed very nicely.
I think some times you're losing this flow with too many lines saying similar things which I saw mostly in the beginning. I also feel similar to SMLocke in which the separation of the stanzas would have helped the piece move better when reading. But overall something I can see relating to a lot of people, making it very impactful.
I've tried separating them so many times while I click tool editor but it keeps going back to how it was %uD83D%uDE29
I had that too. So I just put a dash between the lines to keep the spaces. You can see it in my latest poem.
Oh, thanks!
This was a interesting piece. The topic is very relevant in this day and age. I enjoyed this a lot. There was a large amount of errors, but they will improve if you take my constructive criticism to heart.
You need to space after every four lines. It shows that your stanza is over. It makes everything easier to read and to understand.
Keep practicing!
~S.M.Locke~
I try doing that, but it doesn't show in the published version... So I just gave up and wrote that comment down to whoever bothers to read it.
Also, could you tell me where I can change for the better?
It was mainly the spaces after stanzas. That is very annoying, but everything else was good.
Thanks
I%u2019ve been able to break the stanzas now, thanks to @koinoyokan
Please put a break every four lines, indicating the end of the stanza